Gilbert Weilschmidt; PRUSSIA

[Gilbert Weilschmidt]

GILBERT "AWESOME" WEILSCHMIDT

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YO. My name is Gilbert Weilschmidt, and before you even start making fun of my name, consider the fact that I am known as simply Awesome in at least fifteen countries. So shut your face, ja? You can ONLY call me Gilbert, or Awesome. You might hear Antonio calling me 'Gilly,' but that's reserved for him only. So shut your fat face.

I HAVE TO ASK: MALE, FEMALE, OR SOMETHING IN BETWEEN?
Uh, EXCUSE me? Do you not SEE these manly abs? This chiseled jaw? Aren't I fucking handsome enough for you? I am 100% MAN, baby. Come on.

GOOD, I WAS STARTING TO WORRY. NOW, HOW OLD ARE YOU EXACTLY?
What the hell is that supposed to... Er, I'm twenty years old, right now. But I'll be twenty-one in January, so mark your calendars, because that's the day I can finally drink LEGALLY in this sissy damn country.

WELL, YOU LOOK YOUNG FOR YOUR AGE. HOW DO YOU STAY IN SHAPE?
It comes naturally. Ja, really! I don't even work out that much. I mean, I kinda do, like, I go to the gym and all that shit, because fuck getting fat, but. Mostly it's all natural. I'm just this goddamned sexy.

I WOULD NEVER HAVE CONSIDERED THAT GEORGE CLOONEY MIGHT BE GAY. WHAT ABOUT YOU?
GEORGE CLOONEY IS FUCKING GAY? NO WAY.

[voice fading away as he walks off to yell around a corner] YO, ANTONIO, CAN WE HAVE A THREESOME WEDDING...?

WELL THEN, WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME?
Lessee. Mostly in my spare time I just do really COOL things, like once I went skydiving. I like playing really awesome games, like shooter games or historical RPGs--shut the hell up, it's awesome!--and then I drag Antonio to do it with me. Sometimes I go on walks and sometimes I just get drunk with my friends, eh. I like taking my dogs on walks!! But all my dogs are at home in Germany right now, so. I guess I just... walk Ludwig or Antonio.

OH, and I LOVE! blogging!! My blog has so many views! I talk about how cool my college life is, and how fun it is, and everyone gets jealous and I get tons of fans and comments. You have no goddamn idea, man. You wish you had a blog half as amazing as mine.

Homework? What do you mean? Doesn't everyone finish that at 3 AM? That's homework time, not spare time.

DON'T WORRY, THIS IS ALL CONFIDENTIAL. GO AHEAD, TELL US WHAT YOU ENJOY.
Wait, what the hell? I said this up there! Ugh, anyway, lemme think. What do I enjoy. I enjoy hanging out with my fiance, naturally. We have a turtle, named Elsie, she's pretty cute I guess. I like small animals, but that's only because they're the coolest types of animals. Except small dogs, too yappy and annoying.

UH. I also enjoy wurst, beer, potatoes, all that German shit. It might seem stereotypical but COME ON, German bros, HOLLA, DON'T YOU LOVE IT TOO? We like it for a reason. I like gorey movies, and chick flicks and music that tells really good stories, like RAP man, that stuff's legit. I also LOVE STARBUCKS but that's just... because Feliciano made me try it, okay?

I like my bros, literal and metaphorical. Ludwig's awesome, Francis is awesome, even Roderich has his moments. And... yeah! Is this rambling? Sorry, too many awesome things in the world!

WHAT ABOUT SOMETHING THAT GETS ON YOUR NERVES?
RUSSIAN PEOPLE PISS ME OFF WITH THEIR GIANT NOSES AND ACTING LIKE VODKA IS BETTER THAN BEER. They're all ASSHOLES and they should stay in SIBERIA or FREEZE TO DEATH. Also yappy dogs get on my nerves too. And really stupid people... and CHORES, fuck! I hate chores! I hate cleaning things, especially ALL the things! Also when Antonio doesn't put out. Yeah, I said it.

I'LL HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT. SO, ARE YOU GOOD AT ANYTHING?
You aren't taking notes yet?! Speed up man! I'm good at basically everything, but I'm especially good at fist-fighting and debates. I usually win every verbal or physical argument, y'know! I'm also AWESOME at insults, obviously. I think I'm a pretty good friend, so does that count? I'm awesome and loyal and stuff. I like thinking positively, too! But only for myself. I'm shit at cheering up.

THAT'S INTERESTING, NOW WHAT ARE YOU NOT SO GOOD AT?
Er... well. Like I said, I'm pretty bad with cheering people up, so don't come bawling to me when your puppy got run over because. Well. I might laugh. I'm kinda shit at being serious like that. People say I can't read sarcasm but I TOTALLY can! Everyone just calls me awesome so much it's hard to! Eh... it is pretty cool being alone all the time, because you have a lot of stuff to do by yourself, but... I like being near people too I guess. I'm also bad at writing. Shut up, okay? There's a reason I'm a LAW major.

I BET I CAN BEAT YOU IN A THUMB WRESTLE AND HOLD MY BREATHE LONGER THAN YOU AT THE SAME TIME.
FUCK THIS YOU'RE ON!!!!

YOU MUST THINK I'M CRAZY. OH WELL, SAY, WHAT KIND OF QUALITIES DO YOU LIKE IN A SPOUSE?
Y'know, I'm engaged right now, so why don't you just look at that sexy little Spaniard over there? Nah, but. Uh. I like someone who's funny, loyal, sexy as hell, and easy to get along with. They have to share my likes, enjoy wurst and beer, and not be a goddamn prude. Also, yeah, I guess jealousy is pretty cute. If they fight for you, it means you mean a lot to them.

OH, I GUESS I'M NOT YOUR TYPE THEN, EH? WELL, WHAT DO YOU FIND UNATTRACTIVE IN A PERSON?
People not Antonio. Uh. I don't like blond girls, and I don't like people who are too prudeish, and I HATE people who act like they're better than me. It's just. Shut the hell up. Also, sorry, I'm not a fucking chubby chaser or a furry or any of your weird fetishes. My fetish list is surprisingly limited, sorry.

FINE, BE LIKE THAT. I DON'T LIKE YOU ANYWAYS.
Woah man you want me to get Antonio in here or...

OK, WE'RE GONNA PLAY A GAME. I'M GOING TO ASK SOME SIMPLE QUESTIONS, AND YOUR GOING TO SAY THE FIRST THING THAT COMES TO MIND, OK?
Yeah, shoot. (I thought this whole thing was a game...)

FAVORITE FOOD?
Wurst.

FAVORITE SUBJECT?
Law... or... history... WAIT.

FAVORITE HOLIDAY AND SEASON?
UH--UHM--VALEN--UH--FUCKING--OKTOBERFEST. THAT IS BOTH A SEASON AND A HOLIDAY, RIGHT?

FAVORITE WORD?
Luuuuubricate.

FAVORITE TIME OF DAY?
Food time.

FAVORITE COLOR?
Red!

WELL, WASN'T THAT FUN? ON TO THE SERIOUS SHIT. TELL ME A BIT ABOUT YOURSELF.
I am a sexy motherfucker.

Okay, look here. I am not a nice guy. If you look like shit, I'm going to tell you, bitch, you look like shit. I laugh at dead baby jokes. I don't give a crap what you think of me, or what the world thinks of me, only what the people who MATTER think of me, and even then... I'm the first critic, and not you, and not them. If I think I look good today, I look good, ja? Ja. I will probably piss you off and laugh when you yell at me. I'm not nice. So stop thinking that right now.

But I am awesome. I love myself, you should too, because I'm loyal and hilarious and super fucking amaaaazing. I'm SMART, so don't think I'm not, I'll probably call you out on any bullshit you try. And don't fuck with my family or my friends, or I'll beat the shit out of you. They're the best things in my life... besides myself.

MHMM, AND WHAT ABOUT YOUR FAMILY?
I have a brother named Ludwig, he's pretty awesome. Not always. He's kind of a stick in the mud sometimes and he's SO goddamned strict, but I mean, he grows on you. He's basically the only guy who can say, come on Gil, this is a dumbass idea, and I believe him.

I have a lot of cousins too, and they're all okay. All of them are sort of like Ludwig, strict and shit, but I love 'em too to an extent. Eh.

My mom and dad aren't really in the picture. I love my Gramps though. He bought me a motorcycle.

VERY INTERESTING. SO HOW DID YOU END UP IN THIS COLLEGE?
Well, all right. I was born in Eastern Germany, grew up there. Came over here for High School junior year, fell in love, and uh, well. Fell in love with America, too. Decided to come back for college. Toni was going here, so... here I am. It's not bad.

AWESOME. WHAT SORT OF CAREER WILL YOU GO INTO THEN?
THAT'S ME. Well, right now I'm a trainee mall cop, and I chase bastard kids down in my segway and get chased by their old grannies later. It's a sickass job. I want to be a lawyer though, hence why, law class. I wanna get REALLY FUCKING RICH and buy the Taj Mahal or something.

OMGWTFBBQ?!? WELL, LOOK AT THAT. I'VE NEVER SEEN A GENIE ACTUALLY COME OUT OF THE BOTTLE. WHAT ARE YOUR THREE WISHES?
I WISH I WAS RICH I WISH I WAS FAMOUS I WISH EVERYONE NEVER DOUBTED MY AWESOMENESS EVER AGAIN!!!

--SHIT WAIT I FORGOT TO WAIT FOR ANTONIO TO HAVE TO WEAR ONLY AN APRON FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE COME BACK!!!


WOW, WASN'T THAT FASCINATING?
That was a fucking gip.

SO, YOU, UH, WITH ANYBODY AT THE PRESENT MOMENT?
Have you not been listening? I'm with Antonio Fernandez Carriedo. He's basically the cutest guy in the universe. He has the sexiest ass ever, too, better than any chick I've ever seen. Dat ass. And if you ever fuck with him, I'll rip your eyes out. We're getting married soon, too, so... maybe I'll invite you to the wedding.

WELL, YOU WANNA GO OUT SOME TIME? WHERE CAN I TAKE YA?
The hell, I don't cheat!

I don't even really like dates. I'd prefer to stay at home and play video games or something, really...

HEY, IF YOUR NOT BUSY FRIDAY...WANNA GO OUT?
TOOOOONIIIIIIIII.

ALRIGHT, WHATEVER/COOL. THIS INTERVIEW IS COMING TO AN END. ANYTHING YOU WANT TO TELL US?
Man, you ask too many questions. I have better things to do with my awesome self. See ya later.

THIS FAKE INTERVIEWER DUDE GUY WILL SELF DESTRUCT IN FIVE SECONDS.
SLOOOOOOOWMOOOOOOO DIIIIIVEBOOOOOOOOMB
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LANA has been trying to escape this doggone planet for NEARLY EIGHTEEN years, but they've found themselves stuck in the vortex of role playing for EIGHT years. too bad. we could have busted them out if they didn't live all the way in the GMT-8 timezone. you can always reach them at THIS PM THING.

ok, well, i'll just take your paperwork and be going:

To put it as 'not a morning person' was putting it lightly, for him. It wasn't that he wasn't a 'morning person,' the simple and true fact was that Gilbert absolutely hated mornings. Every single moment of them. He was quite content where he was, curled up around a large body pillow, tanktop wriggled halfway off from his constant sleep movements, but then of course the always-hated knock, knock, knock! came on the door, along with the happy, Spanish-accented call of 'Good morning, Gilbert! What do you want for breakfast?!' He surpressed a thick shudder of absolute annoyance.

White lashes fluttered open and he groaned, loudly, loud enough probably for the Spaniard to hear, unhappily tumbling out of bed and pulling on the first pair of jeans he could get clumsy, sleep slowed hands on. He tugged them on and grumbled at how tight they were (all the pants in America were either too tight or too loose) before stumbling to the door, face still a picture of unhappy, grumpy German, accent even thicker than usual in his sleepiness. "Whaaat, what? I want more sleep, dammit, that's what I want for fucking breakfast!"

{ MINIMUM AVERAGE IS A GO!!! }

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say hold up, wait a minute. let me put some pimpin' in
it! yep, that's right, this sexy application template was made
by yours truly: CHRISS a.k.a. LENNY GOT LAID ?! @
CAUTION 2.0.

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[Erik Berge]

Awesome Gilbert is awesome. I just LOVED it~ You have him down 100%, and his engagement with Antonio is so CUTE. I spazzed. Really.

APPROVED.